A Queer Valentine's Day
by The Marauders' Quill
Summary: Well...love potions are brewed, James gets revenge, and mayhem ensues. The only way to sum up this Valentine's Day is: queer, but in more ways than one.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: You know the saying, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride"? Well, if that was true, I'd have a lot of horses as far as the Marauders are concerned…

A wicked grin spread across James Potter's eager features. His large mahogany eyes glittered with unconcealed laughter. His unruly dark hair was even untidier than usual. He rumpled it again in his excitement. The Master of Revenge was about to unleash, as Professor McGonagall normally put it, "preposterous tomfoolery", as only the four Marauders of Hogwarts could.

The four Gryffindors in question were the best of friends. As good friends often do, (especially these) the Marauders loved to pull pranks on each other and carefully selected victims. Each joke was a work of art-not a trifle to be wasted on just anyone. Together, the masters of mischief could make the impossible possible with magical ease.

Oh, Remus and Sirius were going to pay.

The reasons behind James' thirst for vengeance were justified for World War III-in his opinion at least.

You see, it all started earlier that morning…


	2. A Breakfast to Remember

Author's Note: Flame at your own peril! I'm just kidding. All reviews are welcome. Seriously, though, about those flames…

By the way, characters setting and the rest of the good material is property of J.K. Rowling, not me.

_It all started that morning…_

It wasn't just any morning either. James had awoken extra early from a fitful slumber. Then he had decided to do the strangest thing that he had ever done-he attempted to groom his hair. He had been fussily arranging the mess atop his head in the mirror that he shared with the other occupants of the Gryffindor dormitory when Sirius yawned from behind him,

"You look fine. Evans'll just get scared off if you actually look like you brushed your hair."

James started, but didn't turn and continued as if this was no big deal. How long had he been watching?

"Why don't you just wear your best dress while you're at it?"

"Yeah. Some nice perfume might be a cute touch too!"

Startled, James whirled around to find, not only Sirius, but Remus and Peter smirking at him as well.

Sirius, gray eyes grinning as much as his lips, turned to Remus. They exchanged a significant look as he caught those golden irises. Peter's blue orbs continued to stare avidly at James. His short, blond hair was still sticking up from sleep, unlike Remus' shoulder length dark gilded curls and Sirius' equally long black locks drifting casually, almost elegantly over his forehead, ending just above his brow.

"C'mon, Jamesie. Unless you'd rather make yourself look pretty." Remus snorted. "We're going to eat." Sirius finished.

It took less than five minutes to finish preparing for the day. It would have taken less, but Remus, Sirius, and Peter, continually messed up James' hair.

The Marauders, sauntering into the Great Hall, tried to appear nonplussed by the change in décor. Festive red, white, and pink hearts drifted lazily from the enchanted sunny ceiling like snowflakes, only to vanish a moment after settling on the tables, floor, and the tops of heads. Valentine's Day had arrived at Hogwarts.

Taking a deep breath, James strode as casually as he could to seat himself beside Lily Evans, who he had been trying to impress since first year.

She was very attractive; thick, dark red cascades of tresses fell to just below her shoulders on her slender form. Her bright, verdant almond shaped eyes twinkled. A good sized volume lay open before her, but her eyes were no longer roving the page.

"Hullo Evans!" James said, attempting to appear nonchalant. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

"And same to you." Lily answered, still staring at the book. Sirius and Remus were whispering, but James didn't care. He had more important things to do.

"Er…next weekend's Hogsmeade…" James began hesitantly.

"Mm hmm…" She still wasn't looking up.

"Well," he said, helping himself to oatmeal, but not really paying attention. "I was just wondering…"

He never got to voice what he had been wondering because he'd chosen this moment to take a spoonful of oatmeal into his waiting jaws. He froze. This was not oatmeal. This was confirmed with Remus and Sirius bursting out laughing. Peter merely looked mystified. Obviously, he had not been included in the joke.

"Padfoot…Moony…" he addressed Sirius and Remus, mouth still full of who- knows-what. Lily began to giggle. "What the hell is this?"

"You don't wanna know, mate." Sirius said.

"Ask Snape. We nicked it off of him." Remus added.

"You see, the chunks were really hard to mash-

"And it kept yelling at us in Japanese-

"How it managed that, I'll never know, seeing as how it didn't have a face!"

That was more than James needed to hear. This was definitely not something that he wanted in his mouth. He did the only thing he knew to do in this sort of situation. He spit it out at his doubled over friends. Knowing James, the two ducked the disgusting projectile easily. Instead, whatever it was hit a passing Slytherin in the side of the face. The Slytherin turned threateningly, but James had already disappeared beneath the table.

_Two for one!_ Remus and Sirius thought jovially.


	3. Chapter 1 and a half

Author's Note: You know the drill…Nothing worth stealing is mine. Instead, you'll find yourself being sued by J.K. Rowling. Slash soon! You have been warned.

Blushing furiously, James emerged from beneath the table. After making sure the Slytherin had stalked off, he stormed off toward the dormitories. How could they do this to him? In front of Lily, even! He was so upset; he didn't notice the sign on his back, reading "hex me."

"I think he's had enough." Remus gasped between attempting to breathe and laugh like a madman at the same time. "Accio Parchment!" The notice flew from James' rapidly retreating figure and into his outstretched hand.

"We'd better lay low for awhile, though." Sirius warned, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Gods. I hope we didn't go to hard on him." Remus muttered uneasily.

"He'll be fine. If anything, we should be the ones to be worried about. If I know James…" he didn't need to finish. The pair exchanged darkly significant looks, and after making sure that none of their breakfast choices spoke Japanese, headed in the opposite direction of James-to the Hogwarts grounds.

Another Author's Note: I'm sorry that this chapter is so short. I changed my mind about a few crucial details and felt that this should really be a part of Chapter 1, hence the naming of the chapter. Oops. Ooh well… I just didn't want those who have already read the first part to miss this. Once again, I truly apologize. On a happier note for some of us, Sirius/Remus slash starts soon unless I change my mind again…


	4. A Plot and a Meeting of Hearts

Author's Note: I hope you realize by now that the Marauders, Lily, Hogwarts, etc., aren't mine. Instead, complain to J.K. Rowling. Be warned: slash starts here! By the way, for those who don't exactly see eye to eye with me on the length of my chapters: Tell the truth, would you really come back if I didn't leave you wondering what was going to happen next? J.K. Rowling herself leaves us all with loads of cliff hangers and then we have to wait for years before she releases the next book. You see, I love you all so much that I torture your minds just so that you'll come back.

Curtains drawn around him, James sat sullenly on his four poster bed in the otherwise deserted dormitory. Realizing that steaming on his bed wasn't going to solve anything, he turned his attention instead to something that would- retaliation.

Thinking harder than in any of his classes, he figured that the prank that he would pull should have something to do with Valentines Day.

_How about making them fall in love with someone awful?_ He thought._ Hmm…Sirius and Snape…I like the sound of that. What about Remus? Peter, maybe? Yeah! He won't be able to follow me around anymore with Remus after him!_

A truly evil grin cracked upon James' countenance.

It was a beautiful morn. The sun was shining, the emerald grass was laced with dew and springy underfoot, and there wasn't a cloud in the heavens. Naturally, as the friends approached the opposite edge of the lake, it began to pour from the now overcast sky that appeared suddenly and out of nowhere.

Sirius swore loudly as he and Remus raced for the nearest shelter-alarge oak tree. Remus was still struggling to get his undersized, patched cloak over his head, but to no avail.

"You can share my robes if you want." Sirius said without thinking. "I mean, mine are too big anyway." He added quickly.

Remus' expression gave way to a timid smile of gratitude and- something else. What was it? The golden eyes flickered and the emotion was once again hidden away. He moved nearer, sliding his slender frame so that he was facing Sirius and very close. So close in fact…

Sirius felt his face grow hot. Any blood that was left went the other way.

_Oh shit._


	5. Joy or Terror?

Author's Note: Nothing good is mine. If you're going to sue, go after J.K. Rowling. I'm sure that'll go over real well…

Had his thoughts not been centered on his own stiffness, Sirius might have noticed his partner's. Remus was reacting similarly, but had managed to keep his wits about him. Trembling, one hand gently brushing a stray lock of silken tresses from Sirius' handsome face, other hand dipping considerably lower, his lips found his companion's. Remus allowed his tongue to journey, meeting Sirius' as his fingers worked furiously. His comrade was now leaning passionately into the embrace. A soft moan escaped Remus as Sirius emitted a low growl.

As you may have already guessed, this is very difficult to pull off with two people sharing a single cloak. The two lost their balance and tumbled onto the wet grounds beyond their tree.

Thankfully, James was much smarter than he appeared. (Maybe it was the glasses?) Whatever it was, he was able to prepare potions adequately-for the most part anyway. A love potion could prove difficult. If it went wrong, his friends could sprout bizarre mutations. Basically, he couldn't lose. It might actually be more fun if something unpredictable occurred.

Gathering the ingredients for the concoction-I won't go into details. Some of these things are nastier than what James had had for breakfast.-he imagined numerous possibilities. All of them were in his favor. So the ultimate revenge began to brew.

Too bad things don't always work the way that they're intended.


	6. Sick as a Dog and James isn\'t Helping

Author's Note: Not mine, not mine, not mine…I have to keep reminding myself this…

Breathing heavily, drenched with a mixture of sweat and rainwater, Sirius and Remus reluctantly separated.

Remus' mind reeled. Should he be joyful or in shock? Should he be disgusted? He wasn't used to being unable to think. Only once a month was his mind as muddled as it was now, and that was certainly understandable. _Oh shit-Sirius!_

They were still in tight proximity due to the fact that they were still tangled in Sirius' robes.

Sirius, pale and quaking, wasn't even attempting to muster his usual confidence. He was thinking along the same lines as Remus-something that happened very rarely indeed.

"Err…" started Remus, but he couldn't continue. What could he say? The silence was tense. They had even forgotten how hard it was pouring on their unsheltered heads. Thankfully, Sirius being Sirius, found the perfect excuse.

"Uhh…We-We're gonna miss lunch." He said, a weak smile flickering on his lips. Remus' gratitude must have shown on his face, because the apprehension eased somewhat as the two disentangled themselves-with difficulty, I might add. Then, laughing, the pair sprinted across the muddy grounds toward the comfort of the castle.

It was finished. He wasn't sure, but James hoped that the potion was supposed to be runny, clear, and giving off sparks. If not…oh well, they deserved what was coming to them. At least it wasn't talking to him.

_Just a few hours._ He figured. It'd be far too strange (not to mention scary) to have Hogwarts' soon-to-be cutest couples together for too long.

James grinned inwardly. This was turning out to be a pretty interesting Valentines Day.

Another Author's Note: Okay…Everybody knows by now that the chapters are short. In case you didn't get the memo, I KNOW THIS. The reason behind it is this: Would you really come back if I didn't leave cliffhangers? Granted they are pretty short, but I only have one day in which to fit an entire story, and it's far easier if the chapters are on the short side.

If you have any questions/comments about the story, feel free to IM me at **OddbALLer35**. Wow. I must be bored. Anyway, if you send anything inappropriate or threatening, you will be the one threatened. You have been warned. Otherwise, I'd love to talk with you.


	7. To the Facilities as the Plot Thickens

Author's Note: Holy Moses! Long time, no see, everybody! I think I've grown a beard! (This is really scary, considering I'm a girl.) I am so sorry. As every student knows, if the finals don't kill you, your mom will when she sees the grades. I'm just kidding. I'm glad to announce- as if anybody cares :P -that I did surprisingly well and ended up with honors. Oh yeah. I almost forgot: NOT MINE.

Sirius and Remus, completely drenched, chests heaving, plopped down on the bench beside Peter in the Great Hall. Peter was currently devouring a leg of chicken with almost indecent gusto. He looked up at his friends curiously.

His wide eyes took in the sodden clothes and hair, grass stains, rapid breathing, and the edginess that accompanied them. He was just beginning to query as to what had just happened and whether it was legal, when Sirius shoved yet another piece of chicken into the unexpecting jaws.

"Where's Jamiekins?" Sirius asked suspiciously. Remus turned, searching for James and braced for trouble.

"Imfno." Peter answered around a mouthful of food. He was spared further interrogation by the arrival of the final Marauder.

James sauntered into the Great Hall, attempting to look carefree. Sirius and Remus were far too shaken about what had just occurred to notice how badly James was failing at his easy manner. Peter was too busy eating to notice anything else. Could you blame him? Those house elves knew what they weredoing!

Anyway, the three tardy Marauders stared into their plates devoid of their usual enthusiasm. This was too much for Peter. Whatever had happened, something told him that this was bad. He hadn't thought that they could still be fighting from this morning.

Sirius, green faced, leapt from his seat as if he had been burned.

"I-er-have to use the facilities." He rushed from the Great Hall.

"Me too." Remus tore after Sirius. _Brilliant, Remus. Oh so eloquent an excuse. Nobody's dull enough to believe that. Oh well…_ He had more pressing matters at the moment.

This was just too perfect. James snatched their goblets and emptied the vials of potion into them.

Let the fun begin.

**Remus found Sirius in the men's room on the second floor. It was never used and made the perfect hideaway- besides the Shrieking Shack, of course. Remus took a tentative step toward the hunched figure.**

**_After what just happened, would it be right to put my arm around him?_ He blushed, realizing how much he really wanted to. Before he could decide what action to take, Sirius spoke.**

**"Moony…I'm…I'm all right. I'm just used to snogging, well…girls." He sputtered, eyes downcast. Remus' heart plummeted. _It didn't mean anything?_**

**"You're a hell of a kisser though." He added, smirking through his flush. The old Sirius was coming back.**

**Remus didn't know what to say. He nodded, gulping dryly, and tried to return the smile, but all he could manage was a sort of painful grimace.**

**Sirius stepped forward, straightening andoffering his arm. With a playful grin, he asked "Shall we go?"**

**"Let's." Remus answered, accepting Sirius arm into his own. He shivered, though they had done this so many times before.**

**"Really. We'd better hurry before Pete and Jamie get all the food."**

**"Those poor house elves." Remus sighed jokingly.**

**So they went, arm in arm.**

James couldn't believe his luck. Sirius and Remus weren't even in the room and Pete was still ripping into his meal. James didn't even spare a thoughtto the real reason as to why his friends had retreated so hastily.

He was just about to finally tuck in, when- as he later recalled to a gagging Sirius- "a voice more beautiful than a choir of angels" sounded behind him.

"Potter? Er-Pettigrew?"

"Evans?"

"Riwree?"

"Is this seat taken?" She inquired, gesturing to the general area opposite Peter and James.

"N-no. Actually it's not." James answered quickly and without thinking.

The red head settled herself gracefully as James attempted valiantly not to gawk. Peter snorted into his napkin, but hid it in a coughing fit. It didn't fool anyone, least of all James. He swung around to give Peter a well-deserved smack to the noggin, when his furiously quivering arm knocked over his goblet. Lily was looking anywhere but across from her, for which James was very grateful.

"_Scourgify_." He whispered promptly. Not wanting to call unwanted attention to his blunder, James seized the goblet nearest him that wasn't in use.

"Cheers." Lily smiled, raising her drink.

"Cheers." James echoed. They drained the contents of the vessels. A brief sense of bliss came over James. _What just happened?_

Lily was regarding him strangely. James shifted uneasily. Then he heard the words that he never thought that he would hear from Lily Evans, although he fervently wished that he would.

"I love you James Potter."

Angel music had nothing on this.

Another Note from Me: Longest chapter yet! Of course, it also took me longer. It doesn't matter so long as you guys like it! Much love!


	8. Dinner Dancing

Author's Note: Believe it or not, I don't own the Marauders or any of the other cool stuff. Guess who does?

Sorry this chapter took FOREVER. I've had it written for awhile, but I had to write it on the road because basketball is taking me everywhere but home-and a computer. Most of the time I was totally exhausted and in pain, so I hope you like it.

Sirius and Remus skipped into the Great Hall, waving and smiling cheerfully. Just before reaching the Gryffindor table, Sirius swung his partner into a very ballerina-like twirl. Remus, catching on quickly, nabbed a cob of corn and deftly placed it between his partner's canines (the teeth, I mean). His partner's arms were around him, as Remus found his head inches from the floor as Sirius dipped him. Feeling that he ought to do the thing properly, Remus lifted his right foot into the air theatrically. Several girls cheered.

Caught up in the frenzied dance, Remus suddenly realized just how close his partner's face was-and the space was dwindling. With a wink, Padfoot closed the gap completely. Remus opened his eyes and found the corn in his own mouth. He didn't have much time to be disappointed because he was, once again, being flung around by Sirius. Upon regaining his balance, Remus turned simultaneously with his friend toward the rest of the school. Grinning broadly-Remus looking slightly sick- the dancing duo bowed.

Their audience erupted into wild applause. Well, all except for the Slytherins. Who really cares what they think anyway?

Lily was in Sirius' seat and Remus was missing his goblet, so they squeezed in on her opposite side. The two were now strangely quiet. Their happy-go-lucky façade had waned. They were immersed in a confusing jumble of thoughts.

**James' and Lily's eyes were still locked. James realized with a start that both he and Lily had swallowed the love potion. James didn't need a potion to love Lily, but apparently she needed one to feel the same toward him. He picked at his food, feeling ill.**

"**Are you all right? Is there anything I can do?" He heard Lily's voice, but faintly. How could he do this to her? Was this the only way that she could ever love him?**

"**I-I'm fine, Lily. Thanks." He said. "I need to-er-finish that vampire essay."**

"**I'll help!" she chirped. "Anything for _you_."** **Apparently, James had screwed up the potion a bit. Probably too much powdered cockroach…yeah, that was it. Lily would never be this clingy.**

"**Thanks, Lily, but I have to do it in-" Where couldn't she follow? "the men's room" he finished, wincing at the pathetic excuse of a lie and hoping that the potion was slowing her thinking.**

"**Oh, okay." She answered quietly, looking put out.**

"**See you later then." James looked even more depressed than Lily. He took off and didn't look back. Checking the time from a Ravenclaw fifth year, he calculated that the potion would wear off at 5:00 sharp. It was only 1:43 now.**

**Oh well. He sprinted in the direction of the Gryffindor dormitories to write a letter of apology to Lily. He was going to need the time.**

Another Note: Sorry this chapter took so long. It seems to be sort of a letdown.


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